Perhaps the title is slightly misleading. I haven't lost the wagon, or indeed fallen off it; I simply ignored it for 2 days! It was like a huge pink elephant in the middle of the room that nobody talked about.
I went to Brighton to see Yann Tiersen in concert with my beautifully slim sister and niece. Apart from feeling like a whale between two goldfish I had a great time. Of course, this great time was hugely influenced by several bottles of wine and a food fest. Cookies, burger, chips... yum!
However, I am back on the plan today - especially after seeing photographic evidence of how unlike my sister I am! There is one photgraph of me with her and even my head is twice the size of hers. I am not amused.
I am feeling slightly hard done by today; in the respect that I am not genetically predisposed to being the slim and beautiful one. I firmly believe there is a shared gene pool amongst siblings and as the youngest of four I simply scraped what was left at the bottom - algae and all.
I will win this fight. I just need to acknowledge that the huge pink elephant in the middle of the room is in fact me. And she can no longer be ignored.
Thursday 21 May 2009
Tuesday 12 May 2009
Quelle Surprise!!
I'm sure there's some old adage about getting what you want and then realising you don't want it anymore. If not, there really should be.
8 weeks ago I went to the doctors for my medication and happened to ask him about the possibility of a gastric band. He wasn't too sure of the criteria but said he would 'write to the surgeon'. Well, I didn't think much more about it as on my following medication appointment there was no mention of it.
Lo and behold, I've had a letter requesting I make an appointment for a consultation with the general surgeon. I've spent years wishing I could afford weight loss surgery, so I was a little surprised that I wasn't jumping through hoops at the news. I made the appointment for June 11th and then went away and mulled it over for what seemed like eternity. (Although, in retrospect, it was probably about 2 hours!)
To cut a long story short. . . I cancelled the appointment and said I wouldn't be needing a gastric band after all. The lady on the phone was quick to remind me that if I refuse this appointment I won't get another one, but nevertheless I stood my ground. Somewhere in the complex wiring of my over-worked brain; a little voice is breaking through and saying "You can do this"
So, here I am, 100% determined to succeed.. I have no choice now. I actually feel so much better knowing that I've taken responsibility for my weight and am going to tackle it the long and hard way. I'm not afraid.
Wishing you all a fabulous Tuesday :)
8 weeks ago I went to the doctors for my medication and happened to ask him about the possibility of a gastric band. He wasn't too sure of the criteria but said he would 'write to the surgeon'. Well, I didn't think much more about it as on my following medication appointment there was no mention of it.
Lo and behold, I've had a letter requesting I make an appointment for a consultation with the general surgeon. I've spent years wishing I could afford weight loss surgery, so I was a little surprised that I wasn't jumping through hoops at the news. I made the appointment for June 11th and then went away and mulled it over for what seemed like eternity. (Although, in retrospect, it was probably about 2 hours!)
To cut a long story short. . . I cancelled the appointment and said I wouldn't be needing a gastric band after all. The lady on the phone was quick to remind me that if I refuse this appointment I won't get another one, but nevertheless I stood my ground. Somewhere in the complex wiring of my over-worked brain; a little voice is breaking through and saying "You can do this"
So, here I am, 100% determined to succeed.. I have no choice now. I actually feel so much better knowing that I've taken responsibility for my weight and am going to tackle it the long and hard way. I'm not afraid.
Wishing you all a fabulous Tuesday :)
Monday 11 May 2009
Wake up it's a beautiful morning :)
It's a miracle! The sun is shining in the South Wales valleys. I won't be surprised if I see a SKY news van in the vicinity later ;-)
Yesterday was a rollercoaster day. I suffer with clinical depression (because being morbidly obese isn't quite trauma enough for me... lol) and yesterday afternoon I hit a brick wall. I felt so overwhelmed by everything; the children were arguing, the dog was misbehaving, the house was a mess and all I wanted to do was eat my weight in chocolate (no easy task) and sleep for a month.
Fortunately, I got through it without the aid of chocolate and managed to stick to my reduced points (thanks to the Harvester) so today I am feeling slightly victorious because I fought a little binge demon and I won.
Everyday I am learning something new about the unknown inner strength I have. I have always thought myself to be weak, but I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I've raised 3 children practically by myself despite being only 16 when I became a mother. I have suffered with crippling depression and yet somehow still managed to keep fighting when the greatest desire I had was to give up. This weight-loss journey is just another step I need to take in order to get my life back together, and you know what.. I think I'm going to be ok.
Happy Monday everyone :)
Yesterday was a rollercoaster day. I suffer with clinical depression (because being morbidly obese isn't quite trauma enough for me... lol) and yesterday afternoon I hit a brick wall. I felt so overwhelmed by everything; the children were arguing, the dog was misbehaving, the house was a mess and all I wanted to do was eat my weight in chocolate (no easy task) and sleep for a month.
Fortunately, I got through it without the aid of chocolate and managed to stick to my reduced points (thanks to the Harvester) so today I am feeling slightly victorious because I fought a little binge demon and I won.
Everyday I am learning something new about the unknown inner strength I have. I have always thought myself to be weak, but I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I've raised 3 children practically by myself despite being only 16 when I became a mother. I have suffered with crippling depression and yet somehow still managed to keep fighting when the greatest desire I had was to give up. This weight-loss journey is just another step I need to take in order to get my life back together, and you know what.. I think I'm going to be ok.
Happy Monday everyone :)
Sunday 10 May 2009
The Harvester. . Or Purgatory
After much deliberation yesterday, and an uncomfortable few hours with the EX, I was emotionally blackmailed into going to The Harvester. (Excellent tip for Ex's. . . If you want to spend time with the woman who dumped you, get the kids to invite her out for dinner with you). I pointed everything I ordered, which took me 22 points over my daily allowance. I'm not too worried about that as I don't weigh until Friday so I've reduced my points accordingly.
However, what really DOES pee me off is how crap the food was! Why is it that I remember The Harvester being the be all and end all? Is it the free bread rolls? Methinks so. .
My ribs were flavourless, the chips were greasy, the salad was brown, the corn on the cob was salty..ok, ok, The Rocky Horror WAS divine!! But, it so wasn't worth the points OR the emotional rollercoaster. I'm glad I've learned this lesson so early on actually. Never again will I crave my former favourite Eatery. And never again will I allow myself to be put in the position where I do something I don't want to do. If I'd stuck to my guns I would have been enjoying a Sunday Roast today, instead I'm having WW Tomato Soup.
However, what really DOES pee me off is how crap the food was! Why is it that I remember The Harvester being the be all and end all? Is it the free bread rolls? Methinks so. .
My ribs were flavourless, the chips were greasy, the salad was brown, the corn on the cob was salty..ok, ok, The Rocky Horror WAS divine!! But, it so wasn't worth the points OR the emotional rollercoaster. I'm glad I've learned this lesson so early on actually. Never again will I crave my former favourite Eatery. And never again will I allow myself to be put in the position where I do something I don't want to do. If I'd stuck to my guns I would have been enjoying a Sunday Roast today, instead I'm having WW Tomato Soup.
The story thus far. .
My name is Paula, and I am fat.
I almost feel like I should be stood up saying that; with 10 or 12 other fat people applauding my bravey for admitting my crime against society. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Actually, I'm not you know. Bitter that is. I've spent so many years blaming 'time and circumstance' for where I am, and at some point the realisation hit me that it really is down to me. Sure, I could lay a portion of guilt at the feet of all those who hurt me and sent me diving head-first into a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but ultimately it was me who found solace in the food. It was me who chose to band-aid every hurt and injustice with a family sized chocolate bar or a cheeseburger... often both, as I recall.
For the 125th (or thereabouts) time in my life, I am on a quest to lose this extra person I am carrying about with me. The difference this time (I hope against all hope) is that my head is finally in the right place. I finally understand the cost of what I have done to my body, and the very real possibility that death is the most likely outcome.
On April 15th, weighing in at 24st 2lb, I decided to try The Cambridge Diet. You know, the one where you live on shakes or soups for however long it takes you to lose your excess weight. It costs £40 a week; and for that you get your 21 meals and a one-to-one session with your local Cambridge Diet Counsellor. I have to say, I managed pretty well for the first week, and I lost a massive 12lb. The second week wasn't so great and I ended up having a massive binge. So, Cambridge Diet 1 - Paula nil.
Having lost the 12lb, I knew I wanted to continue on my journey, and I decided to rejoin Weight Watchers for the 7th time. The last time I did WW was the beginning of last year, and I did manage to lose about 38lb before I fell off the wagon and never got back on. (Do you see a pattern here?) So, on Friday 1st May I re-joined my local WW class, weighing in at 23st 5lb. Joy of joy as I realised I had managed to keep off 11lb of the 12lb Cambridge loss.
My first week went without a hitch, I enjoyed feeling in control (and FED) and managed to lose 7lbs. So, my current weight is 22st 12lb.
If you're still awake I applaud you! Tune in later for my next update... possibly entitled The Harvester or Purgatory. . . .
I almost feel like I should be stood up saying that; with 10 or 12 other fat people applauding my bravey for admitting my crime against society. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
Actually, I'm not you know. Bitter that is. I've spent so many years blaming 'time and circumstance' for where I am, and at some point the realisation hit me that it really is down to me. Sure, I could lay a portion of guilt at the feet of all those who hurt me and sent me diving head-first into a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but ultimately it was me who found solace in the food. It was me who chose to band-aid every hurt and injustice with a family sized chocolate bar or a cheeseburger... often both, as I recall.
For the 125th (or thereabouts) time in my life, I am on a quest to lose this extra person I am carrying about with me. The difference this time (I hope against all hope) is that my head is finally in the right place. I finally understand the cost of what I have done to my body, and the very real possibility that death is the most likely outcome.
On April 15th, weighing in at 24st 2lb, I decided to try The Cambridge Diet. You know, the one where you live on shakes or soups for however long it takes you to lose your excess weight. It costs £40 a week; and for that you get your 21 meals and a one-to-one session with your local Cambridge Diet Counsellor. I have to say, I managed pretty well for the first week, and I lost a massive 12lb. The second week wasn't so great and I ended up having a massive binge. So, Cambridge Diet 1 - Paula nil.
Having lost the 12lb, I knew I wanted to continue on my journey, and I decided to rejoin Weight Watchers for the 7th time. The last time I did WW was the beginning of last year, and I did manage to lose about 38lb before I fell off the wagon and never got back on. (Do you see a pattern here?) So, on Friday 1st May I re-joined my local WW class, weighing in at 23st 5lb. Joy of joy as I realised I had managed to keep off 11lb of the 12lb Cambridge loss.
My first week went without a hitch, I enjoyed feeling in control (and FED) and managed to lose 7lbs. So, my current weight is 22st 12lb.
If you're still awake I applaud you! Tune in later for my next update... possibly entitled The Harvester or Purgatory. . . .
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